The Sound Of Silence

Have you ever felt that your life was just a joke?
That no one took you seriously, or took you for granted?
... I feel like that everyday that I wake up... I can't help but feel that that way about my life, I've been given no reason to think differently...

One could say the world I would actually use describe the way I feel about my life is hatred.

Hello darkness, my old friend

I've come to talk with you again

Because a vision softly creeping

Left its seeds while I was sleeping

And the vision that was planted in my brain

Still remains

Within the sound of silence

In restless dreams I walked alone

Narrow streets of cobblestone

'Neath the halo of a street lamp

I turned my collar to the cold and damp

When my eyes were stabbed by the flash of a neon light

That split the night

And touched the sound of silence

And in the naked light I saw

Ten thousand people, maybe more

People talking without speaking

People hearing without listening

People writing songs that voices never share

And no one dared

Disturb the sound of silence

"Fools", said I, "You do not know

Silence like a cancer grows

Hear my words that I might teach you

Take my arms that I might reach you"

But my words, like silent raindrops fell

And echoed

In the wells of silence

And the people bowed and prayed

To the neon god they made

And the sign flashed out its warning

In the words that it was forming

And the sign said, "The words of the prophets are written on the subway walls

And tenement halls"

And whispered in the sounds of silence

My heart is numb... I have never been so hurt in my life by someone before.. I had grown skin so thick that a knife would struggle to cut through. What happened? What changed? Where did that strong woman I once knew go? I wish she would show herself. I really need her now more then ever to get through this.

How could you have been so stupid to give your heart to someone again after you promised yourself not to. Not after the first time. You were stronger and smarter then that. What went wrong? Now look what happened, you went and got cut.

Where are all the bandages? There isn't any.

You can suffer now, you made your bed,now lay in it.

Let your guard down did you? Ah well, shit happens right? 

Your a fool. You really are.

C'est la vie

Okay so basically in the span of 2 weeks I've come to the realization people are disgusting, and that's being nice. Everyone is so money oriented that it has blinded them of how to be a compassionate human being, if there even is such a thing. With the exception of maybe a handful of people that I'm greatful enough to know or have in my life. 

I remember mentioning last post about my foot being broken and all. Now currently I am working two jobs, a weekday and weekend job. I have been pushing myself  through the weekday job but have decided to not work the weekend one. Mainly because it is a whole lot harder for me to move around and carry out tasks. The weekday job however I have been managing pretty well given the circumstances. I work with complete cunts. I'm sorry, that's rude of me and completely uncalled for ... NOT!

You come to realize that if you aren't bringing in money for someone you might as well be considered dead. People don't phone you to see how your doing or how your managing. They call to ask when your coming back to work cause there is clients who want to book, or calling to ask things of you like agency workers to cover you. Like seriously? F off! 

Don't even get me started on the clinic I work for on the weekday! Pushing 7 clients on me in a row without a break! My foot is broken you moron! Here, let me break your foot and give you 7 clients to treat, let's see how you handle it... I'm technically not even supposed to be working. Not for 6 weeks. I went back to work the second week. Maybe I'm the retard but still. Not to mention she makes me crutch all the way to the front to grab the file and the client... Like I can do that at lightning speed anymore. What a *****! 

Did I mention these are all WOMEN?! Spineless, ruthless B*****! Argh!!

Anyways c'est la vie right? What can you do when the world you live in is based on how much money you can milk.

Lets change the topic to something positive shall we? I'm going camping for the first time in my life!  Woohoo! The date is set already, August 9th-11th. I know, only 2 nights, but it's a first. Baby steps right? My main concern is being eaten alive by Mosquitos, contracting west Nile or Lyme disease, or perhaps being mauled to death by a bear.... Good times... All normal fears right? Insect repellant apparent doesn't work as it should, and is there such thing as bear repellant? If so, I'm all over that like flies on shit. Sorry for the crudeness, but I can't find at the moment another way to compare my want for such a chemical. 

Sharks have a repellant don't they? 

Anyways. I'm still in a cast and crutches so this should be pretty interesting. Hiking with crutches... Can be done right? Swimming? God I hope this thing comes off on Tuesday next week. My X-rays are set for August the 6th so, fingers crossed!  

I'm excited though none the less. Putting all freak scenarios aside, I'm sure Melissa and myself will be just fine and will have a great time! I'm pretty sure I'll have some sort of crazy story to tell when I get back.

Why do I have a bad feeling I will end up face planting a poison Ivy bush?  

Stay Tuned! 

True Love

So, when I was in high school, I was browsing the internet one day and came ended this random site. To be honest I must have been goofing around on Google typing in things like; love, true love, real love, you know how teenagers are. I can't remember if I was in a relationship or not at the time, possibly a heartbreak. Who knows.

Anyway's, I came stumbled upon this webpage "The Story Of What I Did For Love"...

Now I can't say for sure if it is a true story or not. All I now is that I had saved and printed out this story in a binder back when I first read it. I think I even cried reading it. Not to mention it comes with some beautiful soothing melody that uses Quicktime auto play. Nothing special, continuous loop. You barely even notice it once you start reading. At least I didn't.

If you happen to stumble on my blog, I highly recommend you sit down and read that story. Real or not, it makes for a good short read and really gets to you. It's sweet and sad, perfect for when you are depressed and want to make it worse.. I'm kidding!

Enjoy!! XoX ❤

It's Been Awhile

  It really has been awhile since I lasted posted. So much has happened in the last while that I don't even know where to start! 

The last time I had blogged about was going through some rough times with Matt and my health. Sadly, nothing has changed at all. Come to think of it, it's alot worse.

Where do I start with this grand update? 

Okay, let's start with my health. Well on a positive note my neck is alot better. I only visit the chiropractor once a week now, which is a huge leap from three times. On a sad, depressing, painful to mention note; I have recently broken my foot. How recent? Tuesday July 9th. Yep. Just my luck! In the dead of summer, I break my foot. Well, spiral fracture on the 5th metatarsal to be exact. Who cares what it is! It sucks! It's a broken bone that is now captivated in a death contraption called an air cast. Now alot of people would argue the thought of an air cast compared to a regular hard cast. I know, I know, I'm considered lucky in that sense. I can shower and take it off for my foot to breath right? I don't have to deal with having that nasty condition called 'smelly cast-foot syndrome.' Besides, if that were the case, I would most likely settle with amputation. GROSS!

Anyway's, it's been five days already and I'm going nuts! It swells like a balloon and it barely even fits in the cast any more. I think it's a sign to stop taking it off. To make the experience even more enjoyable, I wasn't prescribed any pain medication... Yay *faded*

Did I forget to mention that this is my first broken anything? First real injury! Well if the whole Cuba head trauma thing doesn't count. *Sigh* 

Six weeks in the air cast I was told. Two weeks until the next X-ray to see how the bone is healing. *fingers crossed*

It sucks hopping around on one foot, crutching around the house like a wounded soldier. It freaking sucks!! Not to mention I am a freaking cluts! Cluts-zilla should be my name! I smash into almost everything. I must of smashed my foot in total 50 times today. Not to mention falling going upstairs.... Yah...*long pause* I swear I'm going to end up in a full body cast one day if I don't take better care of myself.

On the plus side, Matt's family has been super supportive and super kind! Feeding me and making me smoothies, forcing me to sit down and ice my foot. Buying me awesome breakfasts and desserts to make me happy. They are so cute! Sad to say that they are there for me more then Matt is. *sigh* I will explain that after, it's a whole other story. My mom also has been pretty helpful and caring. It's nice to see that for a change since she never really took care of me. 

Moving on, it's trash talk Matt time. Well it's not trash talking, more like talking about him behind his back online. That sounds bad, scratch that. Anyways, where to begin with this boy... He has been next to impossible lately and no, I'm not just over reacting or being dramatic.

Okay.. So, as I mentioned before, rough patch. We sort of crawled out of the ditch for awhile, and by awhile I mean a few days, maybe a week or two. We now upgraded to sleeping in his bed at home instead of a bed we would make in his basement. We also had a weekend family getaway to Sherkston Shores Resort for the Canada Day weekend. Good times while they lasted. Sadly, he has fallen into this lying binge lately. I'm really starting to see a pattern here with him. 

It's like, if and when I'm injured, he backs away from me and distances himself. It's not me over thinking things. He hasn't kissed me in 5 days, hugged me or been affectionate with me in anyway, at all. Nada. I laid right beside him for 2 days straight with my broken foot in agony trying to get comfortable and sleep, and nothing. Not even goodnight. What's wrong with him!? I swear he doesn't love me any more! That's not even my problem with him! It gets way worse! 

He had been kicked off his soccer club 'Sporting' a little while back, and he went through his own small rough patch. But with the help of his friend Phil, Mauro, and myself, we had pulled together a new plan/project for him with a different soccer club in Toronto. I was there for him the most. I saw it in his face and the way he changed how much it affected him. It was hard for him, he wouldn't admit it. I knew better though. I was there for him as best as any girlfriend could be for someone they love, as long as the other person allows them to be there. He refused to talk to me and express how he truly felt.

A few days after, I had notice him imploding on himself, I addressed his emotional breakdown by asking him to talk to me. He freaked out at me and we ended up getting into a huge fight. He then ended up confessing that he had been avoiding me, and choosing to not tell me or talk about his feelings towards the whole situation. Why? Because he "assumed" I would be disappointed with him and his decision to not get back into it right away.... Ummm. I have been by your side through this whole mess! Staying up till 2-3 am in the morning in Tim Hortons with you and your friends just to brain storm, even when I had work  in the morning. Then scouting games for 2 hours at a time right after I would finish my real job. Rushing around and stressing; trying to involve myself in things I have no understanding of, just for you. Having headaches and migraines 3-4 days in a row from lack of sleep!  Ugh! Why? Because I love you and believe in you. So you can turn around and shit on me...  *Sigh*  

Sometimes I question myself, why do I bother? 

Today we had fought for 3 hours...it just keeps getting worse. I honestly feel like he takes me for granted and doesn't appreciate me. Even with me being hurt and weak, I find him getting frustrated with me and purposely trying to inflict pain on me by hurting me. Like the other day, he took my braided hair and whipped me in the face with it. It hit me in the eye made it water and burn like a bitch. He laughed sinisterly. Then I started crying because I felt like he was bullying me. I happen to be very emotional right now with this whole broken foot thing and not being able to be mobile. I hate not being able to be self sufficient. Anyway's, I told him how he made me felt in that moment, his response was to just laugh... Great... 

Anyway's, I'm exhausted. Time to hit the hay. 

Here are some recent pictures of what's been going on. Enjoy!  

Random day to the movies

Matt's moms birthday dinner at The Black Skirt

Random selfie

Matt's ex-soccer clubs annual Dinner 

Late night drives down town Toronto

Late night drives to West Bay park in T.O

Bubble tea runs at 2 am at teashop 168

 Trips to High park for Matt's refereeing 

Matt's mom braided my hair at the trailer in Sherkston Shores Canada Day weekend!

Happy Canada Day!- Long weakened!

 My broken 5th metatarsal X-ray :(    

Air cast bound for 6 weeks *sad face*

Ps. I'm a blonde now ;).. Well sort of.