You see, 4-5 days ago you had taken me to Starbucks on a small "date" to talk about the big picture and to see what was going to happen between us. You wanted to know if I was serious and willing to leave or "deal with" what I was currently in to start something new with you. We talked for 2 hours just sitting in a Starbucks you had kidnapped me to somewhere on Eglington. You drove me back home where we talked for another 3-4 hours, way past midnight. I liked you, I liked you alot. Especially to be giving up a almost 3 year relationship where I was comfortable..but not happy... and you saw that. But I wouldn't cheat. Ever. Which is why we were having this talk. We agreed that we could work and that we wanted to move forward.
The next day me and my current at the time had tickets to see Trans Siberian Orchestra, I had thought this would be the perfect opportunity to tell him. He knew me and him were going no where. We were more friends then anything else. We didn't share the things people have in a relationship. This happened way before you came into the picture though. You just made it more clear. The concert was great as expected, we decided to get a late night bite. This is where I decided to tell him how I felt. One mistake I made that I wish I could take back till this day was that.. I wish I had told you I was going out with him the next day, why, and what my plans were.
But of course. I didn't.
You had found out from a little birdie who we thought was our friend. Sabotaging us was his plan instead..
Back at the restaurant, I spoke to him. I told him how I felt and how what we had was not healthy for either of us. I told him it would be best if we just became really good friends. He was bothered at first, but began to understand. He agreed and we departed that night as friends.
On my way home I had text messaged you. You were cold, and distant, I noticed right away just by the way you answered. Your answers had been very few and far between which wasn't the usual for you. I tried to spark conversation, I had such good news to tell you. But you didn't want to listen, nor did you care to. I used my magic line on you;
"You seem busy.. I'll let you go.."
You had said to me that if I were to use that as an excuse to stop talking you would drop what ever it was you were doing and you would drive or come to where ever I was... It didn't work though...
"Alright" ... was your answer instead.
So I let you go. Didn't hear from you for the rest of the night. I knew you were out with Daniel at Tim Horton's. I hoped when you got home that you would message me. I waited till 4:47 am till I passed out crying with my pillow, curled up in a ball, phone in my right hand, clicking the menu button to check the time every 5 minutes. Nothing.
9 am I had awoken with a knot in my stomach. I scrambled to find my phone in hopes that I had received a message from you. Nothing.
I went all day checking my phone or keeping it close to me incase you would message me.
A whole day had almost passed by, it was 9:15 pm now and I was on a bus in tears listening to music on my Ipod on my way to Daniela's house. I couldn't bare the thought of not talking to you all day so I had decided to take out my phone and send you a text. 15-20 minutes later you had responded. It was short and bitter, my heart sank. I knew you were mad at me..All I wanted to do was talk to you and tell you what had happened and why. Short, non-frequent messages sent back and forth to eachother for an hour until you stopped responding. I ended up sleeping at Dani's house that night, she helped me alot with trying to unwind and relax. 3 days later I don't hear from you. The sound of Dani's voice telling me not to message you and give you space to think still torturing my brain. Every night the same thing, curled up in a ball, with my pillow, phone in the right hand checking the time, tears rolling from my eyes in hopes that you would message me. The same as every night...nothing.
It's New Years Eve now, ending the year of 2011, I hadn't broken the news to my family about me and my now "Ex" boyfriend. He was invited awhile back to come over for New years eve, so naturally he joined. Awkward and frustrating I put up with him for the night to prevent questions and the anguish of explaining why. 11:11pm, I make a wish.
" I wish that Matt would text me, I wish everything would be the way it was supposed to be"
Nothing...
11:55 pm, they all get ready to start counting down, grab the champaign bottles and gather up in the den. I grab Noce and put him on his leash to go for a walk. No one really notices that I left at this point, guess they didn't care either. I was a crab all night. Moody and quiet. Kept to myself and didn't try to mingle. The true "mood-killer" of the night I was. So why would it matter if I left?
I stormed out of the house with my dog, dragging him as far away from the house as I could incase someone would follow me outside. I turn the corner at the end of the street. It's now 11:58 pm. I continue walking, further and further from the area. I make a turn on a walkway into the field, it's dark and deserted. No one would think to look there. I check my phone, 11: 59 pm. I'm cold, my heart hurts and my eyes fill up with tears. Where are you? Why aren't you messaging me? Don't you care? Does it not bother you at all?!
I look at my phone, 12:00 am, 2012. I open your facebook page and enter options to de-friend or poke. My thumb hovers over the de-friend option. My hand shaking, cold and scared, tears rolling down my face, I gasp and swallow to hold back the lump in my throat. I close my eyes and let my thumb land softly on the de-friend button. I open my eyes, it wants me to confirm. I cry and feel the anger and hurt build up. I accept to de-friend. I close my phone and turn it off. It doesn't matter anymore. I don't care who messages me. If it's not you, I don't care. I sit down, on the ground, face buried in my knees. I cry.
What have I done? Why is this happening? I did what I was supposed to do! Why don't you care to listen to me?!
I'm freezing, I decided to head back. Not in a rush though, very slowly I take my time. Dreading to answer questions when I returned.
Father - "Where did you go?"
" I took Noce out for a walk, he needed to go out.."
Father - "Takes that long to walk a dog? You missed the countdown and everything"
" It will be there next year too..."
Father- "Okay, What's wrong with you?"
"Nothing"
I'm glad he didn't notice my eyes being all red and puffy from the crying. My ex wasn't concerned with anything that was going on, he was in deep conversation with my uncle about his computer that he built. I didn't want to have to deal with him anyways so it was a bonus for me. 1:45 am, we decided to go home. I wanted to go with my parents in their car, obviously this pissed off my ex but he had no choice since I wasn't giving in. So we went our separate ways. He didn't bother to text or phone me when he got home which was all right by me. My phone was off anyways and had no intention of turning it back on till morning.
I got ready for bed and sat on the computer for a bit talking to Melissa on Skype. 4:43 am I decided I needed to go to sleep. My head hurt and so did everything else, especially my stomach and chest.
Routine as usual; curled up with my pillow, tears in my eyes, this time without the phone in my hand, staring at the gift you had made me for my Christmas/birthday present. I had finally fallen asleep.
It is now December 31st, 2012, and I could not picture myself without you now. It has been one hell of journey with you and I wouldn't change it for anything in the world. We have fought through so many obstacles to get where we are today and I couldn't be happier.
I love you Matt.
2013; I am ready for you now.
Posts
No comments:
Post a Comment
Thank you for commenting! ❤